I know I’m fortunate. So, now you know it’s going to be bad, because I led off with that. We all know we have many things to be thankful for. But seriously… is it too much to ask for more?
When that “more” isn’t a new car or a new dress or a new “thing,” but a new job? Being respected in the job I have? A good school for my daughter? A safe and challenging after-school program for her when she’s in kindergarten? Time? Energy? Will?
Welcome to my pity party! There’s ice cream on the counter, help yourselves!
I spent a good number of hours filling out paperwork to apply for kindergartens for my daughter. I’m not talking private schools, people. I’m talking a charter school and the local magnet school in the city school district (we’re technically outside of the city, so we had to apply). She’s on the waitlist at the charter school (reeeeeeeeally far down the waitlist!), and she didn’t get into our first or second choices of schools in the magnet programs. Sadder still, her best friend (I know, they’re 5… but still, bffs!) is at the school of her first choice, which was our first choice as well. This is a mom who got the application done but didn’t seem to worry about her daughter getting in at all. I turned my application in the very day it was due – hers was later than mine. I can’t lie, I’m pretty upset about L not getting into that school.
It’s not like we don’t have other options, but I was looking for a school that not only had a great reputation and great teachers and a great learning environment, but also a safe, challenging after-school care program. Both of our other choices have those, but the school we’re left with doesn’t. L will have to ride the school bus to an after-school program (which I hear is great, so that’s a little less painful). It costs money, of course. (Well, all of the after-school programs do, pretty much.)
I’m just so disappointed. It’s yet another thing that I invested a lot of time and energy into, and it’s gone belly-up. I know I wasn’t personally rejected (the charter school has a lottery, and who knows why one kid is chosen over another kid in the city school district – whatever), and neither was my daughter, but seriously…. I’m just tired of the rejection and disappointment.
I’m in the process of applying for a program through the state that will be basically a side-hustle, but it’s directly related to my day job as a teacher. I want it pretty badly because I want the money (uh, $10K?! YES, SIR!) and I want it on my resume. I also – can’t lie – want it because I want someone to read my application and validate me – I just want someone to say yes to me.
I have that side hustle job already, and they said yes to me. That was only a couple of months ago. So why does it feel like I’m constantly downtrodden? Maybe because it also includes H, who is in that same constant cycle of searching for jobs, applying, and hearing nothing. Working hard at his job, only to have people tell him that he can’t have the same privileges as others who have been doing the same job he has, but not as well.
Maybe it’s because we both feel like we’re in a holding pattern. This isn’t the life we envisioned for ourselves at 34. If we had envisioned this life, would we be happier? Are we reaching for things that are simply not possible for us? If we decided to want what we have instead of wanting other things, will we be happier? Is it possible to change that mindset?
And, to add insult to injury, we’re getting pizza delivered for dinner tonight. Because honestly, I feel like it doesn’t really matter right now. I know we should be saving that money. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. And I even care. But the caring doesn’t outweigh the pity party I’m throwing.
So, what am I going to do about all of this? When does it get to the point where you give up on a couple dreams (or set them aside for the time being) and decide that what you want is what you have right now? Anyone have ideas? Or you can just tell me to suck it up. That’s cool, too.